It still hurts
You still haunt my dreams
I still want to see you
I still long to hear your voice
I would still kill to feel you next to me
The memory of your kiss still sends tears streaming down my face
I still can’t see an end to my torture
I still can’t stop thinking about you
I still hold onto every memory we share
The tears still haven’t stopped pouring for you
I still miss you
…I still love you
…feel free to add your own…
It’s over…
Heart is not only broken, but ripped out, stepped on, crushed to a pulp and lies absolutely shattered in a ditch somewhere, the me you see in front of you is but a heartless shell.
How could he do this to me…quite easily apparently…
So this is how it feels to be physically unable to cry having exhausted the seemingly never-ending resevoir of tears.
To see him around campus is the most difficult… To see him laughing, and happy – his world unchanged, tears me apart.
Time, people say, you need time… yet I don’t feel that time can solve anything. Plus, time takes so long to come and take the pain away…time…
I can’t imagine myself with anyone else, I can’t imagine myself happy, hopefully, it’s just the phase…
“We begin with a couple who were less-than happily married.
One night, the wife stayed out all night.
The morning after, her husband asked her where she had been. She told him that she had stayed over at her female friend’s house. The husband was sceptical and called her 10 closest girlfriends and asked them whether she had stayed over the night before. None of them said that they had seen her.
Days later, the husband stayed out all night. When asked for his whereabouts the morning after, he answered that he stayed over at his male friend’s house. Suspicious, the wife called his 10 best buddies to ask whether they had seen him the night before. Of the 10, 8 claimed that her husband had stayed over the night before…another 2 claimed that he was still there now.”
A man showed his wife the above story that he received in an email. Intrigued, the wife decided to try it out for herself. She called up her husband’s 10 best friends and asked whether they had seen him the night before. Astounded, she found that not only was the above scenario confirmed, 1 friend even went so far as to say that her husband was asleep on the sofa after drinking too much the night before and offered to wake him up to come to the phone! Immediately after she put down the phone, her husband’s mobile phone started ringing, it was the friend:
‘Hey, where the hell are you?! Your wife is looking for you, but don’t worry, I told her that you were passed out at mine so make sure you drink something before going back!’
Translated from a popular Chinese quote: 恋爱中的女人IQ为零. It is so true…
A woman in love loses the ability to make informed judgements, she loses all of her logic, she even loses her facilities for common sense.
Otherwise known as being ‘lovesick’, it’s like a constant state of intoxication – you don’t think you are drunk, though others can clearly see your stupor. One can never count on the actions of a woman in love, her sheer inability to function has earned her an IQ of zero. She can only pray for her sanity to return, hopefully in the form of a stable and loving relationship, the alternative – to fall out of her infatuation with a rude awakening is unthinkable, although in reality is it still preferable compared to her previous trance-like state.
I used to look at other transfixed women and think: ‘Poor girl, he has all of her and she is left with nothing’. But it is only when I myself fall, that I realise truly, this phenomenon cannot be translated coherently into words, emotions well and words fail me. I can almost feel my IQ ebb away, finally I realise why 99/100 songs are about love…God help me
The time has finally come when I have to start thinking about building the foundations of a career for myself. I have now spent many hours combing through the results of a million and one employment search engines (thank you Google) and toiling through site after site of potential employers, all offering what seems to be the best job in the world.
I used to be a very ambitious teen, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to achieve in my professional life. Now when I look back, my mind was a hazy mess, a juvenile daydream of being the career woman in the sharp business suit, looking incredibly busy and in-demand as she navigates through the maze of the London Underground, yet the keystone – what my job title actually would be, I never knew. Now, it seems once again I have rediscovered that hunger and energy to strive for the top. Aim for the city, the Holborn, the Chancery lane, the Mayfair….yes, why not? So I hit the books, and quickly hone in on Management Consultancy, reading the job description, I realise excitedly that never have I been so close to answering the question ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’
My eyes fatigue with staring at the computer all day as I gather information about the key players in the industry, their strengths and roles in this elite professional services sector, but most importantly, how to get my feet through their door. My conclusion? By overcoming a vast amount of competition. Overwhelmingly, the way into the corporation is through a penultimate year internship, and the competition for places are fierce. My education has set me in good stead for an application, but I’ve always been more at ease fulfilling the familiar and straightforward demands of academia. Interviews/networking/applications/cover letters/assessment centres/presentations, even the through of manipulating CV’s make my chest tighten with dread. I seem never to have been able to impress with these dynamic (and more useful) skills a potential employer would value. I can read through all the career/job hunt prep books I have time for, but will it be nearly enough to beat off the never-ending avalanche of excellent candidates recruiters are swamped with…should I even bother?
There are the woes of a natural pessimist. The goal in my mind is set…the challenge is formidable and one that I am statistically unlikely to succeed in… All the prep I am doing now is likely to be only the basics that other candidates do automatically, perhaps I should lower my standards. But why? I know that this is what I want and I should work towards it, the fear of failure is intense, but so will the regret at wasting a potential opportunity, no matter how small the chances of success are. The lure of the city and a professional career is undeniably tempting, but like all good things in life, I have to work for it, to admit defeat even before I start is not an option, companies these days go on about how they like people to be pro-active… I guess this is one instance in life when good things do not come to those who wait!
It’s been torture, 5 days of crying myself to sleep, 5 days of worrying, my mind wanders – what is he doing, who is he with…but most importantly – does he miss me?
I know I miss him, I miss him, I miss him…
Everything reminds me of him – I’m going crazy, it’s at times like this that I once again doubt my own sanity. I naturally pessimistic, but around him I seemed to lighten up and see the world once again in colour. Now that he’s 11000km away, that effect seems to be waning. My friend who I haven’t seen while I’ve been away at uni said she’s definitely noticed a change in me since I got back – I’m in a better mood, I’m more confident, I’m more light-hearted.
Guess what honey, I think I may be in love.
But for him to be so far away is so, so hard on me. I wander if he realises what I’m going through. He’s so calm all the time, he can’t be missing me nearly as much as I miss him. He hasn’t been online for days, no doubt going to all the welcome parties and heading out, my insecurities eat me when I think of this. As much as I love him, I still don’t trust him not to flirt or lead on other girls… Like I said in an earlier post, the thought of a girlfriend at home is far far away right now. It’s only been 5 days, theres still another over 90 to go, it scares me how I can’t imagine reaching the finish line hand-in-hand together, my sleep has been ridden wth nightmares and my days have been ridden with tears. Pathetic I know, but this is punishment enough for my weakness, please, how much more can I take…
I never knew that when the heart aches, there really is physical pain, enough to make me punch the pillow and curl up wishing it all away. I wander if he can feel the pain, my heart is calling, can he hear me?
The frog in my throat seems to be getting more and more agitated in the ride to the station. The moment which I had been dreading for so long is finally upon me, he is going away for 3 and a half months – to me, that is no less than an eternity…
The taxi pulls up in front of the station, I dig my fingernails so deep into my skin that I worry it will start to bleed (I read somewhere that pinching yourself/causing a sharp pain can help stop you from crying). This is where we say goodbye – he can’t see me off in the station as he needs the taxi to get back. I try to muster my bravest face as the vehicle stops sharply right in front of the entrance.
‘Ok, this is it,’ he turns to me, ‘-take care on your way back,’
I can only nod, that frog has apparently taken over my function to speak.
‘You’ll be ok with that?’ he smiles, indicating my (extremely) heavy bag – he knows I always pack far too much.
Again I can only nod, even though there are a million things I would/should/could have said.
He leans in for a kiss, ‘I love you, take care…’
…
What?
I do a double take and freeze on the spot, what did he just say?
I guess I was in a state of shock, vaguely remembering him smiling to himself – probably at the shock on my face, he points to the impatient car that had pulled up behind us on this one-lane system and I snapped back to reality and hurried out of the car, struggling with my bag. I fought all of my emotions in forcing a smile as I waved back at him. I didn’t wait for them to drive off, briskly turning and walking into the station as calmly as I could, though hot tears had once again rolled uncontrollably down my cheeks and splattered onto the floor.
Did I hear him wrong? Did he really say those 3 magical words? If he did, did I just make the worst mistake of my life in not echoing them back? He knows I would have said them back, right? – I mean, if I wasn’t taken so much by surprise and there wasn’t a car behind us, hurrying me out of the taxi…
It’s a good thing I didn’t see him off at the airport, where there’s less opportunity to hide those tears – I’m not the kind of girl who likes to cry. In all my 13 years of schooling, there would be less incidences of me crying in school than one could count with the fingers on one hand, and only the once in the 7 years of middle/high school – and that was due to a very extreme situation i.e. my best friend toying with suicide. But the last few days had seen my waterworks on full blast as I stayed with him for a few days before he left, when every moment was spent dreading the next 3 and a half months without him. I thought I’d try to control the tears in front of him but knew that plan would probably fail, no doubt I soaked a few of his T-shirts and sheets in the process. I don’t want to give the impression that I cry a lot – and I really don’t, only I’ve always been extremely sensitive to separation, be it from family, friends or in this case, lovers.
After I came home, I did a little research on the magical phrase ‘I love you’ that I may or may not have heard from him. Whether or not that moment before I left the car was a large step in our relationship – a huge risk he took in putting it all out there for me, depends on the type of person he is – whether he is the type to put words like that out there or whether he’s the sentimental type who chooses his words carefully. Of course it is also a good sign that he didn’t say it in bed in order to get what he wants…
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder – I really do hope this is the case. He’ll be away for the summer in a place where there’ll be other distractions, a place where the thoughts of a girlfriend back at home will be far away, he’ll have new work…meet new people. Will nearly 4 months apart make us stronger, or will it give us the space to grow apart? No guy has told me they loved me before, for those 3 words to be the start of the end would kill me. I miss him, I need him, I want him next to me.
I thought the previous few weeks would be a test to our relationship as we both went through rigorous exams and weeks where we had to spend over 12 hours a day with our books, and when we had to really make an effort and make time to spend with one another. There were times when the stress got to both of us, I did my utmost to always be there for him, at times I despaired at his lack of sensitivity and availability, but we managed to pull through without a scratch or war wound in sight. Yet this is a whole other story…this is the real test. Today is day 1 of not seeing him and it seems that this test will never end, I can’t imagine reaching the finishing line this time, it is just too far away.
I didn’t know that I had such an abundant resevoir of tears till I met him…I’m sure there is more of that to come…
I would have loved to use this space to engage in intelligent discussion about the unknown women in history who were the secret behind the great (male) achievers…too bad my general knowledge will not allow a particularly detailed entry~~ But it is worth mentioning that on my recent trip to Egypt, there was a particular painting on one of the tombs depicting a scene where the Queen stood behind the Pharoah as he faced some historical situation…holding his hand, at which the tour guide commented that even 4000 years ago, the saying that ‘behind every great man, there is a great women’ rang true…
What I really want to put to you though, is what do men really want in this regard? People say that guys look for girls who can be mother, daughter and partner – mother to comfort him and provide a safe haven for when he needs it, daughter to spoil and protect (for the sake of his masculinity), and partner to share his thoughts and life with, to support him and to take on the role of his closest confidant.
It’s easy to play the role of ‘daughter’, offer him the sweet side and let him take control – think traditional Japanese wife (stereotyping I know but they do have a reputation for being soft and obedient to an extent). It is however, the other 2 roles I want to focus on – especially in the context of difficult times – of stress, of pain – how do men want to be supported?
There are fine lines between being supportive, patronising, and melodramatic in such times. Suppose he is under tremendous pressure at work, what is he really looking to receive from his girlfriend? This is not the time to be the ‘daughter’ – whose demand for constant attention is more a concern than a comfort when he has other things on his mind. Is it time for the ‘mother’ role? Maybe not, when he’s stressed and tired, does he really want his woman to be flustering around him and making a fuss – even if it’s stemmed from concern for him and a desire to make him more comfortable. Perhaps the partner and friend is what most men need at such a time – someone who’ll listen without passing judgement, someone who is calm and will remind him of the support he has and that he does not have to carry all the weight on his own shoulders.
Then again, when a man is truly under a high degree of pressure or has a worry that is taking over, he often won’t mention it. Speaking about it causes too much grief, he’d prefer to just keep it to himself for as long as he can get away with it. Under such circumstances, when she knows that something is wrong but he is keeping a tight-lip, what would be the best approach? If he really does not want to talk, forcing it out of him will have little benefit and can only darken his mood further, trying to coerce it out of him by over-smothering him is patronising and makes him feel trapped. But sitting back and waiting for him to talk would drive her crazy. Do men want women to take things in her stride and exert the calming influence that they themselves cannot muster – just make a cup of tea, let him know she’s there for him and go about the daily routine as normal. Call it the maternal instinct but women want to comfort men and let them know how much they love them, men however, sometimes just want to be left to their own devices and will push her away. Perhaps it’s a sign of a weak relationship, he does not trust her enough to share his problems and offload some of the weight, perhaps he is trying to protect her in not wanting her to worry, perhaps he just wants to deal with things alone with some time to himself.
But when men are so troubled, how is she to respond at a time when he is so sensitive and she feels so helpless?
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