Please comment on what you think, all opinions and advice are not only more than welcome, but much needed!!
He makes me melt, just the thought of him makes me smile and he manages to make me ecstatically happy for no apparent reason at all. Yet he also causes me untold grief, makes me second guess and obsess over the littlest things, thoughts of him distracts me so much that the revision that I’m supposed to be doing consists exclusively of watching words dance across the paper. I daydream during lectures when he takes over my mind and I think about my first, last and next meeting with him, yet it isn’t long before worries start to plague me and doubts begin to swarm over the words on the handout… What’s he doing now? What is he thinking? What was he thinking when he said ###? What were his intentions when he ###? Does he like me as much as I like him? How much does he really like me? Is he serious about me? Is he a flirt? Am I too clingy? Should I have said ###? Should I say ###? Should I call/text? When will he call/text? Are my expectations unrealistic? How well do I actually know him? And a thousand more questions….
Officially we met in early December, a little over a month ago on a university organised trip abroad…I say ‘officially’ met as that was when we were properly introduced, when he found out my name and knew that I existed on the face of this planet! However, technically, I saw him perhaps a few weeks before that in a short meeting to sort out paperwork for the trip. At that meeting, we didn’t talk,…we didn’t even meet eyes, I didn’t know who he was, but in all honesty, I was already hooked…
Vulnerability
OK, so the bottom line is that I’m not a particularly attractive girl, definitely not above average. However, I can ascertain that he is hot! 6 foot, gorgeous eyes, hair, skin and sporty built…
So, why would he choose me? After all, I haven’t known him for all that long and I don’t know him that well. But judging by his good looks and popularity, what if he is really just a bit of a flirt? Is he messing with me? Perhaps he can tell that I’m attracted to him and what if he is just using that to his advantage? Never before have I felt so vulnerable, never before have I relinquished such control over myself to somebody else, he not only has complete influence over my mood, but crucially has the power to hurt me bad if he wanted to, what if he knows it? My last (and first) boyfriend was a completely different story. I regret to admit that my previous boyfriend was more to satisfy my curiousity regarding the big deal about ‘dating’ – and it produced a disappointing show as I wasn’t really into him, I didn’t really care if the relationship went downhill and I had other priorities…Yet now with this guy, I’m no less than crazy about him, when we’re together, it’s a dream – a dream that I would want to be trapped in forever… this feeling is so new and unfamiliar… But although excitement courses through me at the sight and thought of him, the vulnerability I feel when putting myself on the line is like this is terrifying.
Sure, guys like a chase, they respect girls who respect themselves, they enjoy the time spent together when it is time that has been hard-earned and fought for, whats the fun when she simply offers herself up to the plate? I definitely need to work on this front, he just seems to have an irresistible air about him that I can’t refuse…I know how dangerous that is – somehow, saying no is just so damn difficult with him! I feel like saying both yes and no would render me vulnerable in different ways. I need to trust him more. Definitely, that is a crucial point, I don’t yet trust him as much as I need to if this is ultimately going to work out to be more than a fling.
You know, before my first boyfriend when I was still dreaming and imagining the perfect relationship as I waited for him to appear – as us naive girls tend to do often based on ridiculously unrealistic drama/film love. I always thought I’d be the type who’d launch fearlessly into a romance with as much intensity as her heart could muster because surely that is the only way – if I’m going to do this, what is the point in giving less than everything? Yet reality has proved me so, so wrong, I do not to have the courage to take the risk and plunge myself in…is it a lack of romanticism and trust, or is it being practical and realistic? I haven’t even been particularly hurt in previous relationships before, so why am I being so cautious? Would trusting him be irresponsible considering I don’t know him that well yet and it would be a recipe for trouble and heartbreak later down the line, or will it be the unquantifiable extra little something which adds that touch of magic?
I can’t continue like this, I have to ask him about his views on the concept of ‘us’, know once and for all if he sees me as a keeper or simply a casual romance?
Volatility
Certain things he does would convince me that yes, indeed, he really does like me… Sometimes, he says things that make me feel nothing less than a princess. Yet, last time he called, once again I realised it was me who did most of the talking – scared I’ll appear uninteresting if I allowed awkward silences. Also, he doesn’t always reply to my texts, saying his battery was dead/phone was on silent… I haven’t heard from him for 3 full days (and counting) now, despite texting and calling. In fact, he seems to be online now – as am I, yet he still doesn’t strike up conversation. It is usually me who starts chatting with him, it’s usually me who is more enthusiastic at texting, I don’t want him to think I’m clingy/pressurising if I seemingly cannot leave him alone but I really, really miss him…
Why does my paranoia repeatedly haunt me?? I mean, I had a paranoid predisposition anyway, and when something like this hits me, my worries go into overdrive. But so far, just when things get too much and I’m thinking he’s regretting ever getting involved in the first place, he’ll call/text/message me – I’ll melt, and forget all the grief that he has just dissipated into thin air and float back up to cloud 9. Of course, there’s always a next time as doubts begin to sink in and I come crashing back down to earth. My moods are so volatile, they vary with the amount of attention and love I receive from him… I know that is not the way for a girl to conduct herself, to devote herself so wholeheartedly after only 2 weeks, but why can I not help it… It’s all well and good as a single girl when I look at others and shake my head at the situation they have managed to get themselves into by falling too hard for someone and thinking ‘I’ll never do that, never, I have more self-respect and independence than that’. Perhaps I should remind myself of that the next time he manages to erase all the doubts and worry he’s installed in me by simply smiling…