My heart is calling, can you hear me?

It’s been torture, 5 days of crying myself to sleep, 5 days of worrying, my mind wanders – what is he doing, who is he with…but most importantly – does he miss me?

I know I miss him, I miss him, I miss him…

Everything reminds me of him – I’m going crazy, it’s at times like this that I once again doubt my own sanity. I naturally pessimistic, but around him I seemed to lighten up and see the world once again in colour. Now that he’s 11000km away, that effect seems to be waning. My friend who I haven’t seen while I’ve been away at uni said she’s definitely noticed a change in me since I got back – I’m in a better mood, I’m more confident, I’m more light-hearted.

Guess what honey, I think I may be in love.

But for him to be so far away is so, so hard on me. I wander if he realises what I’m going through. He’s so calm all the time, he can’t be missing me nearly as much as I miss him. He hasn’t been online for days, no doubt going to all the welcome parties and heading out, my insecurities eat me when I think of this. As much as I love him, I still don’t trust him not to flirt or lead on other girls… Like I said in an earlier post, the thought of a girlfriend at home is far far away right now. It’s only been 5 days, theres still another over 90 to go, it scares me how I can’t imagine reaching the finish line hand-in-hand together, my sleep has been ridden wth nightmares and my days have been ridden with tears. Pathetic I know, but this is punishment enough for my weakness, please, how much more can I take…

I never knew that when the heart aches, there really is physical pain, enough to make me punch the pillow and curl up wishing it all away. I wander if he can feel the pain, my heart is calling, can he hear me?

And the sky comes crashing down…

The frog in my throat seems to be getting more and more agitated in the ride to the station. The moment which I had been dreading for so long is finally upon me, he is going away for 3 and a half months – to me, that is no less than an eternity…

The taxi pulls up in front of the station, I dig my fingernails so deep into my skin that I worry it will start to bleed (I read somewhere that pinching yourself/causing a sharp pain can help stop you from crying). This is where we say goodbye – he can’t see me off in the station as he needs the taxi to get back. I try to muster my bravest face as the vehicle stops sharply right in front of the entrance.

‘Ok, this is it,’ he turns to me, ‘-take care on your way back,’

I can only nod, that frog has apparently taken over my function to speak.

‘You’ll be ok with that?’ he smiles, indicating my (extremely) heavy bag – he knows I always pack far too much.

Again I can only nod, even though there are a million things I would/should/could have said.

He leans in for a kiss, ‘I love you, take care…’

…

What?

I do a double take and freeze on the spot, what did he just say?

I guess I was in a state of shock, vaguely remembering him smiling to himself – probably at the shock on my face, he points to the impatient car that had pulled up behind us on this one-lane system and I snapped back to reality and hurried out of the car, struggling with my bag. I fought all of my emotions in forcing a smile as I waved back at him. I didn’t wait for them to drive off, briskly turning and walking into the station as calmly as I could, though hot tears had once again rolled uncontrollably down my cheeks and splattered onto the floor.

Did I hear him wrong? Did he really say those 3 magical words? If he did, did I just make the worst mistake of my life in not echoing them back? He knows I would have said them back, right? – I mean, if I wasn’t taken so much by surprise and there wasn’t a car behind us, hurrying me out of the taxi…

It’s a good thing I didn’t see him off at the airport, where there’s less opportunity to hide those tears – I’m not the kind of girl who likes to cry. In all my 13 years of schooling, there would be less incidences of me crying in school than one could count with the fingers on one hand, and only the once in the 7 years of middle/high school – and that was due to a very extreme situation i.e. my best friend toying with suicide. But the last few days had seen my waterworks on full blast as I stayed with him for a few days before he left, when every moment was spent dreading the next 3 and a half months without him. I thought I’d try to control the tears in front of him but knew that plan would probably fail, no doubt I soaked a few of his T-shirts and sheets in the process. I don’t want to give the impression that I cry a lot – and I really don’t, only I’ve always been extremely sensitive to separation, be it from family, friends or in this case, lovers.

After I came home, I did a little research on the magical phrase ‘I love you’ that I may or may not have heard from him. Whether or not that moment before I left the car was a large step in our relationship – a huge risk he took in putting it all out there for me, depends on the type of person he is – whether he is the type to put words like that out there or whether he’s the sentimental type who chooses his words carefully. Of course it is also a good sign that he didn’t say it in bed in order to get what he wants…

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder – I really do hope this is the case. He’ll be away for the summer in a place where there’ll be other distractions, a place where the thoughts of a girlfriend back at home will be far away, he’ll have new work…meet new people. Will nearly 4 months apart make us stronger, or will it give us the space to grow apart? No guy has told me they loved me before, for those 3 words to be the start of the end would kill me. I miss him, I need him, I want him next to me.

I thought the previous few weeks would be a test to our relationship as we both went through rigorous exams and weeks where we had to spend over 12 hours a day with our books, and when we had to really make an effort and make time to spend with one another. There were times when the stress got to both of us, I did my utmost to always be there for him, at times I despaired at his lack of sensitivity and availability, but we managed to pull through without a scratch or war wound in sight. Yet this is a whole other story…this is the real test. Today is day 1 of not seeing him and it seems that this test will never end, I can’t imagine reaching the finishing line this time, it is just too far away.

I didn’t know that I had such an abundant resevoir of tears till I met him…I’m sure there is more of that to come…

Behind every great man there’s a great woman

I would have loved to use this space to engage in intelligent discussion about the unknown women in history who were the secret behind the great (male) achievers…too bad my general knowledge will not allow a particularly detailed entry~~ But it is worth mentioning that on my recent trip to Egypt, there was a particular painting on one of the tombs depicting a scene where the Queen stood behind the Pharoah as he faced some historical situation…holding his hand, at which the tour guide commented that even 4000 years ago, the saying that ‘behind every great man, there is a great women’ rang true…

What I really want to put to you though, is what do men really want in this regard? People say that guys look for girls who can be mother, daughter and partner – mother to comfort him and provide a safe haven for when he needs it, daughter to spoil and protect (for the sake of his masculinity), and partner to share his thoughts and life with, to support him and to take on the role of his closest confidant.

It’s easy to play the role of ‘daughter’, offer him the sweet side and let him take control – think traditional Japanese wife (stereotyping I know but they do have a reputation for being soft and obedient to an extent). It is however, the other 2 roles I want to focus on – especially in the context of difficult times – of stress, of pain – how do men want to be supported?

There are fine lines between being supportive, patronising, and melodramatic in such times. Suppose he is under tremendous pressure at work, what is he really looking to receive from his girlfriend? This is not the time to be the ‘daughter’ – whose demand for constant attention is more a concern than a comfort when he has other things on his mind. Is it time for the ‘mother’ role? Maybe not, when he’s stressed and tired, does he really want his woman to be flustering around him and making a fuss – even if it’s stemmed from concern for him and a desire to make him more comfortable. Perhaps the partner and friend is what most men need at such a time – someone who’ll listen without passing judgement, someone who is calm and will remind him of the support he has and that he does not have to carry all the weight on his own shoulders.

Then again, when a man is truly under a high degree of pressure or has a worry that is taking over, he often won’t mention it. Speaking about it causes too much grief, he’d prefer to just keep it to himself for as long as he can get away with it. Under such circumstances, when she knows that something is wrong but he is keeping a tight-lip, what would be the best approach? If he really does not want to talk, forcing it out of him will have little benefit and can only darken his mood further, trying to coerce it out of him by over-smothering him is patronising and makes him feel trapped. But sitting back and waiting for him to talk would drive her crazy. Do men want women to take things in her stride and exert the calming influence that they themselves cannot muster – just make a cup of tea, let him know she’s there for him and go about the daily routine as normal. Call it the maternal instinct but women want to comfort men and let them know how much they love them, men however, sometimes just want to be left to their own devices and will push her away. Perhaps it’s a sign of a weak relationship, he does not trust her enough to share his problems and offload some of the weight, perhaps he is trying to protect her in not wanting her to worry, perhaps he just wants to deal with things alone with some time to himself.

But when men are so troubled, how is she to respond at a time when he is so sensitive and she feels so helpless?

Cutting the Heartstrings

People tell me things about him…indeed even I think he’ll hurt me.

People tell me to keep a distance, don’t commit too much, wait a little before investing any more, do not go ‘all in’…

Perhaps there’s a part of me which kids myself, giving myself a false sense of hope which I can’t help but cling on to – that maybe the others are wrong…

Why does it feel like it’s beyond my control? My head is indeed screaming at me to protect myself, I know I should be more vigilant and less naive. But everytime I see him, my determination seems to wane…

My question is, do you think it’s possible to tell yourself to put some emotional distance between you and the one you love? Don’t be inclined to state the obvious i.e. Of Course Not! Bear in mind that even you realise it’s probably wise not to put so much in, but do you think it’s actually possible to shake yourself out of love by ‘rationalising with yourself’, and convincing yourself that perhaps this isn’t such a great idea… Or do you believe that there is no place for rationality and logic when it comes to matters of the heart?

Insecurity, overthinking and Paranoia resurfacing…

Suddenly the overly-mushy scene of picking at flower petals chanting ‘he loves me, he loves me not…’ seems to make a world of sense. Being a nervous wreck (see my past few posts if you aren’t convinced!), any indication of distance sends me into a whirl of ‘Is he really serious about me?’ and ‘I bet he is just playing me around!’

A well-intentioned and much-trusted friend has already given me clear indications as to her reservations about him, ‘perhaps that’s just the way he communicates with girls…’, ‘if you trust him…’, ‘the relationship seems unbalanced…’, ‘you really should consider finding someone else who treats you better…’, ‘have you actually seriously considered splitting up with him though?’, ‘he seems to care more about playing cards than he does about you…’, ‘he treats strangers with the same warmth he treats you,’, ‘you know…it seems like… he wants the comfort and attention of a long-term girlfriend who cares so much about him, but that’s only his baseline upon which to conduct the rest of his affairs entangled with the female race…’

Such home truths hurt…that night I hardly slept at all… As much as I did not want to admit it – nothing she said was new. It had all at some point crossed my mind, although I dismissed it as my own paranoia and insecurity…fearing that it was all true. But to hear the same thoughts from somebody else – an audible confirmation that I wasn’t crazy…really, really hurt.

I can only laugh incredulously at myself at the slightly surreal realisation that this is exactly the kind of situation that I would have scoffed at a few years ago – the pathetic girl on some TV drama obsessed with some guy (who often turns out to be a good-for-nothing lying cheat who is also hiding a wife), hangs on to his every word and is willing to satisfy all his demands to her own detriment. I used to think to myself in my headstrong adolescent sense of self-importance that I would never allow my life and emotions to be controlled in such a way by a guy. I saw girls who submit themselves so wholly to their boyfriends as weak and gravely lacking in independance. Oh, how times change…

On the other hand, this has to be balanced with the infamous Disney-syndrome – of which I am a particularly bad sufferer. A part of me still longs for my fairytale, my Prince Charming and my happily ever after. Despite family breakups and other random obstacles along the path called ‘Life’, deep down, I am still a romanticist. Call me stupid, call me naiive, but killing that optimistic romanticism would be like killing a part of me. Sure, there will be times when I lose faith, but ultimately, I believe that there is hope for the rest of us who aren’t animated princesses…

All because of alcohol-induced spontenaeity…waiting, waiting, waiting

It’s due any day now, but each time I check myself in the bathroom, I still don’t see the welcome red spots…

We always use protection, but that night…having had a few shots, both of us lost our inhibitions…

Whether it was carelessness on my part when I put it on or over-hastiness on his part, it split…

I took the emergency pill as soon as possible – within 12 hours, perhaps it was because the nurse didn’t want to tell me too definitively that I’ll be fine and raise my hopes, but I felt more nervous than ever coming out of that clinic with the over-use of hypotheticals…

It perhaps deservedly made me feel bloaty and moody…never felt so low waking up in the morning as I did today for no reason at all. I have to go back in a few weeks time to confirm that this is only a scare…please, let it only be a scare… Can’t stop torturing myself – I’m feeling sick – am I pregnant? I’m feel blue – am I pregnant? I’m feeling tired – am I pregnant…?

Now I’m just hanging on a thread, finding it difficult to concentrate on anything, I’m just waiting, waiting, waiting…never looked forward the monthly discomfort so much…

His reaction? Surprisingly calm and cool, but I don’t think he gets the implications and is underestimating the risk.

For now, I should focus – I have a mountain of work to do…

GIRLS ONLY: Appropriate times to make a guy wait

Just want to get an idea of an appropriate/average time it takes from a couple’s first kiss to their first night together…

Of course, it’s dependent on the chemistry between the 2 people in question, if the right situation arises and a number of other factors, but taking away all of that and assuming that everything goes smoothly, how long would you say is an appropriate duration to make him wait?

Virgin snow, a new beginning…

What is it about stunning snow scenery from the window of my humble university dorms that induces such a contemplative mood?

It never snows like this in the UK, but for the past few hours, white fluff has been continuously floating down by the bucketful, with enough collecting on the ground initially for footsteps, then for snowball fights and now there is enough for (multiple) snowmen.

Pure gorgeousness…

As I sit here, nearing midnight, with soft music and a sun jar only for light along with my trusty laptop, I look back on everything that has happened to me over the past few months – in particular what has happened to me today…

I don’t understand a word of my course, how little I know is really scaring me – no-one picks up after you at Uni, it’s every man for himself… No-one will take the time to make sure I understand the material, and no-one takes the trouble to check whether or not I’m struggling. Responsibility is definitely the word of the day, and unfortunately it doesn’t seem to be something I’m particularly well-endowed with. I hardly ever turn down social invitations…and now in addition, so much time is devoted to him….

He’s failed the ‘friend-test’, we have very few mutual friends anyway, and the 2 that I have asked both came up with the same opinion of him independently – different variants of saying ‘he’s no good for you’. Ranging from the ‘I don’t know him that well, but he doesn’t seem very stable’, to the ‘flower growing in cow dung’ analogy…

Feeling so vulnerable, excited, apprehensive…I’ve already fallen – definitely too late now. Today I very nearly gave myself up had it not been for a little issue outside both of our control…

Oh, the irony of the situation as I watch the pure white collect on the ground, virgin snow…

Am I setting myself up for heartbreak? Should I go for it? Love hard, live life to the full suffer through the pain and reap the benefits to the maximum? What is the point of a mediocre, monotonous life with no highs or lows….right?

He saw the doubt in my eyes and guessed that I was thinking about how serious he was about me – he was spot on… On the bright side – he knows me well, on the cynical side – he knows how girls think… I told him I would be unlikely to believe him whatever he says as actions speak so much louder than words… He gave me an answer nonetheless – ‘I don’t know about the future, but as long as we’re together, I won’t go for anyone else…’ far from ideal, but he said how he won’t give the outlandish promises of love and devotion which are hopelessly unrealistic…he has a point, and had he given the ‘I will love you forever’ line, it would definitely have activated the ‘womanising player’ warning in my head. He assured me that his answer was honest and he seemed sincere… He asked me many times what I was thinking, I wanted to give a strategic answer which put across my confusion, insecurity, worry, desire, helplessness and how totally out of my depth I felt, but I found my mind to be a total blank, and that’s what I told him….

No doubt, we will get to that point again, no doubt, he will be my first…I should stop analysing things. Perhaps this is not a good idea, perhaps he will hurt me, but how will I know if I don’t even give this a chance, just like the lyrics to the Doris Day song – perhaps…perhaps…perhaps……

FIRST LOVE – the Vulnerability, Volatility and Butterflies that won’t stop dancing against your gut wall!

Please comment on what you think, all opinions and advice are not only more than welcome, but much needed!!

He makes me melt, just the thought of him makes me smile and he manages to make me ecstatically happy for no apparent reason at all. Yet he also causes me untold grief, makes me second guess and obsess over the littlest things, thoughts of him distracts me so much that the revision that I’m supposed to be doing consists exclusively of watching words dance across the paper. I daydream during lectures when he takes over my mind and I think about my first, last and next meeting with him, yet it isn’t long before worries start to plague me and doubts begin to swarm over the words on the handout… What’s he doing now? What is he thinking? What was he thinking when he said ###? What were his intentions when he ###? Does he like me as much as I like him? How much does he really like me? Is he serious about me? Is he a flirt? Am I too clingy? Should I have said ###? Should I say ###? Should I call/text? When will he call/text? Are my expectations unrealistic? How well do I actually know him? And a thousand more questions….

Officially we met in early December, a little over a month ago on a university organised trip abroad…I say ‘officially’ met as that was when we were properly introduced, when he found out my name and knew that I existed on the face of this planet! However, technically, I saw him perhaps a few weeks before that in a short meeting to sort out paperwork for the trip. At that meeting, we didn’t talk,…we didn’t even meet eyes, I didn’t know who he was, but in all honesty, I was already hooked…

Vulnerability

OK, so the bottom line is that I’m not a particularly attractive girl, definitely not above average. However, I can ascertain that he is hot! 6 foot, gorgeous eyes, hair, skin and sporty built…

So, why would he choose me? After all, I haven’t known him for all that long and I don’t know him that well. But judging by his good looks and popularity, what if he is really just a bit of a flirt? Is he messing with me? Perhaps he can tell that I’m attracted to him and what if he is just using that to his advantage? Never before have I felt so vulnerable, never before have I relinquished such control over myself to somebody else, he not only has complete influence over my mood, but crucially has the power to hurt me bad if he wanted to, what if he knows it?  My last (and first) boyfriend was a completely different story. I regret to admit that my previous boyfriend was more to satisfy my curiousity regarding the big deal about ‘dating’ – and it produced a disappointing show as I wasn’t really into him, I didn’t really care if the relationship went downhill and I had other priorities…Yet now with this guy, I’m no less than crazy about him, when we’re together, it’s a dream – a dream that I would want to be trapped in forever… this feeling is so new and unfamiliar… But although excitement courses through me at the sight and thought of him, the vulnerability I feel when putting myself on the line is like this is terrifying.

Sure, guys like a chase, they respect girls who respect themselves, they enjoy the time spent together when it is time that has been hard-earned and fought for, whats the fun when she simply offers herself up to the plate? I definitely need to work on this front, he just seems to have an irresistible air about him that I can’t refuse…I know how dangerous that is – somehow, saying no is just so damn difficult with him! I feel like saying both yes and no would render me vulnerable in different ways. I need to trust him more. Definitely, that is a crucial point, I don’t yet trust him as much as I need to if this is ultimately going to work out to be more than a fling.

You know, before my first boyfriend when I was still dreaming and imagining the perfect relationship as I waited for him to appear – as us naive girls tend to do often based on ridiculously unrealistic drama/film love. I always thought I’d be the type who’d launch fearlessly into a romance with as much intensity as her heart could muster because surely that is the only way – if I’m going to do this, what is the point in giving less than everything? Yet reality has proved me so, so wrong, I do not to have the courage to take the risk and plunge myself in…is it a lack of romanticism and trust, or is it being practical and realistic? I haven’t even been particularly hurt in previous relationships before, so why am I being so cautious? Would trusting him be irresponsible considering I don’t know him that well yet and it would be a recipe for trouble and heartbreak later down the line, or will it be the unquantifiable extra little something which adds that touch of magic?

I can’t continue like this, I have to ask him about his views on the concept of ‘us’, know once and for all if he sees me as a keeper or simply a casual romance?

Volatility

Certain things he does would convince me that yes, indeed, he really does like me… Sometimes, he says things that make me feel nothing less than a princess. Yet, last time he called, once again I realised it was me who did most of the talking – scared I’ll appear uninteresting if I allowed awkward silences. Also, he doesn’t always reply to my texts, saying his battery was dead/phone was on silent… I haven’t heard from him for 3 full days (and counting) now, despite texting and calling. In fact, he seems to be online now – as am I, yet he still doesn’t strike up conversation. It is usually me who starts chatting with him, it’s usually me who is more enthusiastic at texting, I don’t want him to think I’m clingy/pressurising if I seemingly cannot leave him alone but I really, really miss him…

Why does my paranoia repeatedly haunt me?? I mean, I had a paranoid predisposition anyway, and when something like this hits me, my worries go into overdrive. But so far, just when things get too much and I’m thinking he’s regretting ever getting involved in the first place, he’ll call/text/message me – I’ll melt, and forget all the grief that he has just dissipated into thin air and float back up to cloud 9. Of course, there’s always a next time as doubts begin to sink in and I come crashing back down to earth. My moods are so volatile, they vary with the amount of attention and love I receive from him… I know that is not the way for a girl to conduct herself, to devote herself so wholeheartedly after only 2 weeks, but why can I not help it… It’s all well and good as a single girl when I look at others and shake my head at the situation they have managed to get themselves into by falling too hard for someone and thinking ‘I’ll never do that, never, I have more self-respect and independence than that’. Perhaps I should remind myself of that the next time he manages to erase all the doubts and worry he’s installed in me by simply smiling…

Relationship balance

Let’s face it, we’re all selfish people and there is a natural feel-good factor when someone pays us attention. However why is it that in cinema, the hero(ine) always blindly pursues the object of their affection (often a bad-tempered, arrogant individual) without a backward glance at the more-than-eligible, attractive, well-mannered suitor who is pursuing them?

Of course, in the real world, each party in a relationship has to give as much love as they receive for the relationship to last and work. However, in the shorter term, I have been told that as a general rule, the guy has to like the girl more than the girl likes the guy for the relationship to get off the ground. This is because generally, girls crave protection and will feel safest in the knowledge that her man is utterly, hopelessly in love with her. On the other hand, if there is too much of a difference, one person will take the other for granted, they won’t particularly care about their feelings and cease to value the preservation or longevity of the relationship. Such a wayward boy/girlfriend may stray or simply put nothing into the relationship and give nothing back, they may even regret the whole thing happened at all and there is only one way to head from there…

But what I want to put to you is, if you had to choose, given the choice between someone who likes you more than you like them, and someone who you like more than they like you back, who would you choose?

Would you go for the noble option straight from an epic romance and settle for nothing less than the love of your life? Or would you sneak a little self-indulgence and choose the one who holds you as the centre of their world and who expects nothing but the best for you? Please do vote, I’ll be fascinated to see the results…