UNHEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS, DEPENDENCY and SUICIDE – My Story -Pt 2

Read Part 1 here, but it went on…

Fundamentally, our friendship was strong – we had after all, grown up together. Of course I love her, she is my closest friend and confidante, to think that she is sometimes so low to even contemplate ending her own life breaks my heart. But because of how close we were, I found it all too easy to slip back…laughing, joking, acting as if nothing had happened. However each time she missed a day of school, each time she failed to pick up the phone, my heard skipped a beat and I immediately thought the worst, on a bad day I would be able to scare myself to tears in panic. Yet, when she gave me her reason (excuse) later, something about phone batteries and the like. I just accepted it time after time, I guess it was just relief taking over… I had no energy left to be angry with her.

One thing that had puzzled me was the small detail of what she was going to do as soon as school finished. Would she get a job? College? She did not apply to University as the rest of us had, she was leaving herself nothing to look forward to…and looking back, subconsciously behind the smiles, I was terrified of why.

On the last day before the Christmas holidays, she stayed over for convenience, and I plucked up the courage to address this issue that I had always swallowed back in fear of.

Her answer shook me to my core.

Perhaps I should not have been so surprised, but nothing can prepare you to hear that a friend wants to die. I had the strange sensation of sinking into an abyss in my own room, I felt physically sick, nauseous, and could feel a potentially violent vomiting fit threatening within me.

I was in tears as I tried to talk to her, I asked her why? What is the problem? What does she need? What I could do?

…Why?

I have no knowledge of psychology and had no previous experience talking to those in such despair. Is it better to show my emotion, love and support? Should I keep a little distance so as not to appear too pushy? And what if it is an attention ploy? What do I do then?

Of course, ‘how to deal with the suicidal’ was not in the curriculum at school and I found myself at a loss, I truly did not know how to deal with the situation, paranoia took over as I analysed everything I did, if I said this/did that, would it encourage/discourage/upset her? I was afraid to make a wrong move, do anything around her. And more than anything, I was sick with worry and potential grief 24 hours a day.

She said that the reason she had not done it yet was because of me, because she knew that if she took her own life, I would probably not survive either. She said that she’d wait until I go to University, so we would no longer be so close before…

What a load of crap.

As if that would take away the pain of losing a friend of 7 years, as if 1 hours drive worth of distance would be enough to make everything okay. I don’t know what she is playing at, its torturous to warn someone that something like this is looming, but at the same time there is nothing the person can do about it…

She also told me not to tell anyone – which I instantly rejected, it was my one lifeline which I clung onto. I resented her…no, I hated her as I knew what she would be putting me through. And to not allow me to tell anyone is cruel beyond description. Again, I did not know how to act, would something I did push her over the edge? She had complete control of me, it was no different to emotional blackmail.

The night of the first day of the holidays, I waited till the house was quiet before calling a telephone counselling service – the first of many counselling sessions, and cried down the line for 2 hours until the lady refused to continue as she felt there was nothing left to do (this and a few other calls have convinced me of the utter uselessness of certain telephone counsellors – maybe I will address that in another post).

That holiday was the worst I had ever had. I do not live with my father and I am not close with my mother. I could not tell her any of this, I bottled it up, afraid to tell others. I was shown a small corner of what hell would be like. I was irritable, depressed, pressurised, scared – all in all an emotional wreck. I would randomly burst into tears, or sit phased out staring into space for hours at a time. I was literally going crazy. No doubt, it was this that drove my own depression. Never in my life had I been under such constant, debilitating pressure.

I tried to talk to her, suggest ideas for the future, I even offered to apply for the schemes for her. I tried to encourage her to get the grades, apply to university anyway, go on a gap year, travel the world, volunteer abroad…anything at all but the impending nothingness she has prepared for herself.

It was all to no avail, my advice fell on deaf ears, she’d smile and say she’d think about it, but go away and do nothing. Frustration is an understatement for what I was feeling. One very important lesson I have learnt from this: You cannot help someone who does not want to be helped.

I did however, tell a teacher of ours at school what was happening. Although it was difficult, I felt that it was morally the right thing to do in this situation which is bigger than what I can handle, and I had to tell someone who may actually be able to do something about it. But most importantly, I had to tell someone to relieve a little of the pressure on me. My greatest fear was if she decided to do it before I had to chance to warn anyone…

My teacher reassured me that she’d keep an eye on her, perhaps talk to her or her parents (which she incidentally hasn’t) but ultimately, there was very little that she or I could do. We’re no longer children, I’m nearly/she’s 18, we’re responsible for ourselves. Moreover, as human beings, we have a right to our free will, if someone is set on doing something, is there really anything you or I could do to stop them? However, do we have the right play God and to commit suicide?

~ by mistyshadow on April 25, 2008.