Exposed

I can’t continue like this… its bad enough being in the thick of exam preparations, but to also be plagued by my incessant fears? It’s destroying me…

I can’t do this…

Now we’re on study leave, the pressure for exams is intense… But ever since her suicide scare, its difficult to express in words, the true sense of panic that overcomes me if I cannot get in contact with her.

Her phone is off, I can’t concentrate, my mind wonders, I always think the worst. I know a positive mentality is vital, but I just feel so defeated, there is no energy or hope left in me… I cannot physically deal with everything…

Worryingly, this psyche is transferring to other things and other people apart from her, I think the worst, I can scare myself to tears over nothing, I’m always on edge… is this what paranoia feels like? Will I snap out of it? Even in years to come, will I still think someone has been admitted into hospital because they failed to pick up their phone? Please let this fade with time…

What should I do? ‘Just don’t think about it’ is infinitely easier said than done, the advice is pretty near useless… but what is the alternative? It’s eating me up and my optimism for the future is draining away with it, hope for the future is the only thing keeping me going and even that is slipping away…

I can’t do this…