A year later, finally…closure
What a difference a year has made…its Christmas and as I laze on my bed, chatting leisurely online with a new Uni friend I went on holiday with to Singapore just a week ago, I look at myself and marvel at the transition made between Christmasses in two adjacent years…
Last year, I remember all too well the sheer panic that wouldn’t subside for months after my ‘friend’ told me prior to the holiday that she was still intent on suicide. I can only describe it as a torturous, there was no concept of Christmas last year. Every waking second was spent worrying, all I could do was pray for school to quickly start so I could tell the head 6th form and partially unload the crushing responsibility. I remember the nights I spent crying down the phone, the resentment I felt towards my family as I felt I couldn’t tell them what was going on, the added pressure and self-expectation I weighed down on myself to pass exams and gain entry into Uni. I truly worried for my mental health, the constant pressure seemed to affect my very ability to breathe. You know how in melodramas, popular media portrays the crazed people as curled into a ball, staring into space and rocking back and forth? Well it wasn’t unusual to find me in such a state around this time a year ago. The episode really did shake me to my inner core and change the very fabric of me. I toyed with depression and I had to rethink several times my outlook on life as disillusionment clouded over. I remember at my lowest point, the desperation of which I clung onto the hope that came with the radical change of environment Uni would bring, I remember trying so hard and telling myself blindly time and time again that things will get better, I remember reassuring myself that if I repeated that enough times like a mantra, I might even start believing it. Although it chills me to remember, I can now finally admit the silent ultimatum I gave myself – I told myself I’d give life one last chance, and if it did not improve with Uni, then perhaps, it never would…
I thank God for how life has turned out, there really was light at the end of the tunnel. My mother once told me that despite popular opinion, life is fair – you either have the looks or the brain, you’re either strong or smart, those with high flying careers often have to sacrifice their family life, the happiest people are not usually loaded with money, and those who seem to have everything die young. It is uncanny how those who seem content and happy have often battered heavy rain and storms to be where they are, and those who have everything are prone to having it all taken away in the events of a fateful day. It was another one of my mantras I repeatedly reminded myself of – perhaps I was supposed to go through everything, almost as a way of payment in return for the wonderful future that lies in wait. I’ll grit my teeth in the knowledge that tomorrow will make today worthwhile…
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What can I say, after a term in a UK top 2 university, after a term of making more friends than in the past 10 years combined, words fail me when I try to express how truly blessed I feel. Just walking down the small cobbled roads in town, listening to music and enjoying the rawest essence of life gives me untold pleasure. I must look like a madwoman – with a grin plastered on my face as I walk the streets on a day when the weather is not even particularly good. The pure joy of savouring every moment of freedom, untold hope and anticipation for the future, the excitement of simply another day. Sure, the workload is impossible and the content harder than anything I’ve seen or come close to, but this kind of stress I can deal with, it doesn’t come close to fundementally messing with my psychology!
This blog has somewhat been a small release for me, sharing my stories with thousands of you has been a pleasure, please do read my story if you haven’t already. If you have, please pass it on, I hope it brings a sense of perspective to those who are contemplating inflicting self injury in any way and hope to anyone who just can’t seem to see a way out. The experience has taught me so much, changed me so much, and although painful, it is an experience I value as it has become an integral part of me. Although looking back, my posts can seem overly dramatic and depressing, please believe me when I say it is a most accurate record of my feelings as things happened. Every word written is sincere and has poured honestly from my heart.
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