Virgin snow, a new beginning…
What is it about stunning snow scenery from the window of my humble university dorms that induces such a contemplative mood?
It never snows like this in the UK, but for the past few hours, white fluff has been continuously floating down by the bucketful, with enough collecting on the ground initially for footsteps, then for snowball fights and now there is enough for (multiple) snowmen.
Pure gorgeousness…
As I sit here, nearing midnight, with soft music and a sun jar only for light along with my trusty laptop, I look back on everything that has happened to me over the past few months – in particular what has happened to me today…
I don’t understand a word of my course, how little I know is really scaring me – no-one picks up after you at Uni, it’s every man for himself… No-one will take the time to make sure I understand the material, and no-one takes the trouble to check whether or not I’m struggling. Responsibility is definitely the word of the day, and unfortunately it doesn’t seem to be something I’m particularly well-endowed with. I hardly ever turn down social invitations…and now in addition, so much time is devoted to him….
He’s failed the ‘friend-test’, we have very few mutual friends anyway, and the 2 that I have asked both came up with the same opinion of him independently – different variants of saying ‘he’s no good for you’. Ranging from the ‘I don’t know him that well, but he doesn’t seem very stable’, to the ‘flower growing in cow dung’ analogy…
Feeling so vulnerable, excited, apprehensive…I’ve already fallen – definitely too late now. Today I very nearly gave myself up had it not been for a little issue outside both of our control…
Oh, the irony of the situation as I watch the pure white collect on the ground, virgin snow…
Am I setting myself up for heartbreak? Should I go for it? Love hard, live life to the full suffer through the pain and reap the benefits to the maximum? What is the point of a mediocre, monotonous life with no highs or lows….right?
He saw the doubt in my eyes and guessed that I was thinking about how serious he was about me – he was spot on… On the bright side – he knows me well, on the cynical side – he knows how girls think… I told him I would be unlikely to believe him whatever he says as actions speak so much louder than words… He gave me an answer nonetheless – ‘I don’t know about the future, but as long as we’re together, I won’t go for anyone else…’ far from ideal, but he said how he won’t give the outlandish promises of love and devotion which are hopelessly unrealistic…he has a point, and had he given the ‘I will love you forever’ line, it would definitely have activated the ‘womanising player’ warning in my head. He assured me that his answer was honest and he seemed sincere… He asked me many times what I was thinking, I wanted to give a strategic answer which put across my confusion, insecurity, worry, desire, helplessness and how totally out of my depth I felt, but I found my mind to be a total blank, and that’s what I told him….
No doubt, we will get to that point again, no doubt, he will be my first…I should stop analysing things. Perhaps this is not a good idea, perhaps he will hurt me, but how will I know if I don’t even give this a chance, just like the lyrics to the Doris Day song – perhaps…perhaps…perhaps……
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