Insecurity, overthinking and Paranoia resurfacing…
Suddenly the overly-mushy scene of picking at flower petals chanting ‘he loves me, he loves me not…’ seems to make a world of sense. Being a nervous wreck (see my past few posts if you aren’t convinced!), any indication of distance sends me into a whirl of ‘Is he really serious about me?’ and ‘I bet he is just playing me around!’
A well-intentioned and much-trusted friend has already given me clear indications as to her reservations about him, ‘perhaps that’s just the way he communicates with girls…’, ‘if you trust him…’, ‘the relationship seems unbalanced…’, ‘you really should consider finding someone else who treats you better…’, ‘have you actually seriously considered splitting up with him though?’, ‘he seems to care more about playing cards than he does about you…’, ‘he treats strangers with the same warmth he treats you,’, ‘you know…it seems like… he wants the comfort and attention of a long-term girlfriend who cares so much about him, but that’s only his baseline upon which to conduct the rest of his affairs entangled with the female race…’
Such home truths hurt…that night I hardly slept at all… As much as I did not want to admit it – nothing she said was new. It had all at some point crossed my mind, although I dismissed it as my own paranoia and insecurity…fearing that it was all true. But to hear the same thoughts from somebody else – an audible confirmation that I wasn’t crazy…really, really hurt.
I can only laugh incredulously at myself at the slightly surreal realisation that this is exactly the kind of situation that I would have scoffed at a few years ago – the pathetic girl on some TV drama obsessed with some guy (who often turns out to be a good-for-nothing lying cheat who is also hiding a wife), hangs on to his every word and is willing to satisfy all his demands to her own detriment. I used to think to myself in my headstrong adolescent sense of self-importance that I would never allow my life and emotions to be controlled in such a way by a guy. I saw girls who submit themselves so wholly to their boyfriends as weak and gravely lacking in independance. Oh, how times change…
On the other hand, this has to be balanced with the infamous Disney-syndrome – of which I am a particularly bad sufferer. A part of me still longs for my fairytale, my Prince Charming and my happily ever after. Despite family breakups and other random obstacles along the path called ‘Life’, deep down, I am still a romanticist. Call me stupid, call me naiive, but killing that optimistic romanticism would be like killing a part of me. Sure, there will be times when I lose faith, but ultimately, I believe that there is hope for the rest of us who aren’t animated princesses…
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