Behind every great man there’s a great woman

I would have loved to use this space to engage in intelligent discussion about the unknown women in history who were the secret behind the great (male) achievers…too bad my general knowledge will not allow a particularly detailed entry~~ But it is worth mentioning that on my recent trip to Egypt, there was a particular painting on one of the tombs depicting a scene where the Queen stood behind the Pharoah as he faced some historical situation…holding his hand, at which the tour guide commented that even 4000 years ago, the saying that ‘behind every great man, there is a great women’ rang true…

What I really want to put to you though, is what do men really want in this regard? People say that guys look for girls who can be mother, daughter and partner – mother to comfort him and provide a safe haven for when he needs it, daughter to spoil and protect (for the sake of his masculinity), and partner to share his thoughts and life with, to support him and to take on the role of his closest confidant.

It’s easy to play the role of ‘daughter’, offer him the sweet side and let him take control – think traditional Japanese wife (stereotyping I know but they do have a reputation for being soft and obedient to an extent). It is however, the other 2 roles I want to focus on – especially in the context of difficult times – of stress, of pain – how do men want to be supported?

There are fine lines between being supportive, patronising, and melodramatic in such times. Suppose he is under tremendous pressure at work, what is he really looking to receive from his girlfriend? This is not the time to be the ‘daughter’ – whose demand for constant attention is more a concern than a comfort when he has other things on his mind. Is it time for the ‘mother’ role? Maybe not, when he’s stressed and tired, does he really want his woman to be flustering around him and making a fuss – even if it’s stemmed from concern for him and a desire to make him more comfortable. Perhaps the partner and friend is what most men need at such a time – someone who’ll listen without passing judgement, someone who is calm and will remind him of the support he has and that he does not have to carry all the weight on his own shoulders.

Then again, when a man is truly under a high degree of pressure or has a worry that is taking over, he often won’t mention it. Speaking about it causes too much grief, he’d prefer to just keep it to himself for as long as he can get away with it. Under such circumstances, when she knows that something is wrong but he is keeping a tight-lip, what would be the best approach? If he really does not want to talk, forcing it out of him will have little benefit and can only darken his mood further, trying to coerce it out of him by over-smothering him is patronising and makes him feel trapped. But sitting back and waiting for him to talk would drive her crazy. Do men want women to take things in her stride and exert the calming influence that they themselves cannot muster – just make a cup of tea, let him know she’s there for him and go about the daily routine as normal. Call it the maternal instinct but women want to comfort men and let them know how much they love them, men however, sometimes just want to be left to their own devices and will push her away. Perhaps it’s a sign of a weak relationship, he does not trust her enough to share his problems and offload some of the weight, perhaps he is trying to protect her in not wanting her to worry, perhaps he just wants to deal with things alone with some time to himself.

But when men are so troubled, how is she to respond at a time when he is so sensitive and she feels so helpless?

~ by mistyshadow on May 19, 2009.