And the sky comes crashing down…
The frog in my throat seems to be getting more and more agitated in the ride to the station. The moment which I had been dreading for so long is finally upon me, he is going away for 3 and a half months – to me, that is no less than an eternity…
The taxi pulls up in front of the station, I dig my fingernails so deep into my skin that I worry it will start to bleed (I read somewhere that pinching yourself/causing a sharp pain can help stop you from crying). This is where we say goodbye – he can’t see me off in the station as he needs the taxi to get back. I try to muster my bravest face as the vehicle stops sharply right in front of the entrance.
‘Ok, this is it,’ he turns to me, ‘-take care on your way back,’
I can only nod, that frog has apparently taken over my function to speak.
‘You’ll be ok with that?’ he smiles, indicating my (extremely) heavy bag – he knows I always pack far too much.
Again I can only nod, even though there are a million things I would/should/could have said.
He leans in for a kiss, ‘I love you, take care…’
…
What?
I do a double take and freeze on the spot, what did he just say?
I guess I was in a state of shock, vaguely remembering him smiling to himself – probably at the shock on my face, he points to the impatient car that had pulled up behind us on this one-lane system and I snapped back to reality and hurried out of the car, struggling with my bag. I fought all of my emotions in forcing a smile as I waved back at him. I didn’t wait for them to drive off, briskly turning and walking into the station as calmly as I could, though hot tears had once again rolled uncontrollably down my cheeks and splattered onto the floor.
Did I hear him wrong? Did he really say those 3 magical words? If he did, did I just make the worst mistake of my life in not echoing them back? He knows I would have said them back, right? – I mean, if I wasn’t taken so much by surprise and there wasn’t a car behind us, hurrying me out of the taxi…
It’s a good thing I didn’t see him off at the airport, where there’s less opportunity to hide those tears – I’m not the kind of girl who likes to cry. In all my 13 years of schooling, there would be less incidences of me crying in school than one could count with the fingers on one hand, and only the once in the 7 years of middle/high school – and that was due to a very extreme situation i.e. my best friend toying with suicide. But the last few days had seen my waterworks on full blast as I stayed with him for a few days before he left, when every moment was spent dreading the next 3 and a half months without him. I thought I’d try to control the tears in front of him but knew that plan would probably fail, no doubt I soaked a few of his T-shirts and sheets in the process. I don’t want to give the impression that I cry a lot – and I really don’t, only I’ve always been extremely sensitive to separation, be it from family, friends or in this case, lovers.
After I came home, I did a little research on the magical phrase ‘I love you’ that I may or may not have heard from him. Whether or not that moment before I left the car was a large step in our relationship – a huge risk he took in putting it all out there for me, depends on the type of person he is – whether he is the type to put words like that out there or whether he’s the sentimental type who chooses his words carefully. Of course it is also a good sign that he didn’t say it in bed in order to get what he wants…
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder – I really do hope this is the case. He’ll be away for the summer in a place where there’ll be other distractions, a place where the thoughts of a girlfriend back at home will be far away, he’ll have new work…meet new people. Will nearly 4 months apart make us stronger, or will it give us the space to grow apart? No guy has told me they loved me before, for those 3 words to be the start of the end would kill me. I miss him, I need him, I want him next to me.
I thought the previous few weeks would be a test to our relationship as we both went through rigorous exams and weeks where we had to spend over 12 hours a day with our books, and when we had to really make an effort and make time to spend with one another. There were times when the stress got to both of us, I did my utmost to always be there for him, at times I despaired at his lack of sensitivity and availability, but we managed to pull through without a scratch or war wound in sight. Yet this is a whole other story…this is the real test. Today is day 1 of not seeing him and it seems that this test will never end, I can’t imagine reaching the finishing line this time, it is just too far away.
I didn’t know that I had such an abundant resevoir of tears till I met him…I’m sure there is more of that to come…
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