From the worst granddaughter in the world

Grandma,

I’m sorry

I know that feeling sorry today is worth so little, infinitely less than if I’d have been kinder to you when you were healthy.

I’m sorry I made you cry

I’m sorry I’m a selfish, ungrateful bitch

I’m sorry for those times that I’d ignored you

I’m sorry for those times I hoped you weren’t there

I’m sorry for those times I worked against you

I’m sorry for thinking of you as a nuisance

I’m sorry for the times I made you feel unwanted, unloved

When I saw you today on that hospital bed, looking so weak, but looking up at me, still glad that I was there…I’m so sorry…

You have always watched over me, you’ve always wanted the best for me, nobody on this earth loves me more than you do

Don’t leave

I had to do all I could to stop myself from breaking down when the nurse told me how you told them so proudly that my granddaughter is coming to visit, you had to tell them via pen and paper, u wrote all of that down just to tell them I was coming. You have so little energy, even holding a pen is an effort…

I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment.

You looked at me and I knew you didn’t hold any grudges against me despite the way I treated you

It’s heartbreaking to see you like this, please, just get better

At the same time, it kills me to see you battle with the medical staff, I know the treatment hurts, actually, I probably do not understand…please, I do want the best for you. You say that its not worth fighting for, I respect that…but know that we all want the best for you. we care about you, we want to see you get better, we love you…

I was strong today by your bedside, I did not cry, yet I hate myself for saying so little…

Why do I have to resort to saying all of this here on this blog that you will never read…

I love you, I appreciate all that you have done for me, I think back to when you cried your eyes out in worry for me when you heard that my parents divorced. I think back to the time when you walked all the way to the market in the 40 degrees blazing heat, just to get those prawns because you thought I might like them…even though you knew I was very unlikely to be visiting again before I leave, it kills me to think that at the time, I did not even want to visit…

Although I want to see you get better, I just don’t want you to suffer

Right, I have to stop the tears now, if I don’t, you’ll see my puffed up eyes when I visit tomorrow. Know that I’m fine, I’m who I am because of you, I love you and want the best for you…

There is every hope in the world that you will get better…we need you to be strong, we love you,

~ by mistyshadow on April 1, 2011.