I am an incredibly shy person, I do not have many friends, but instead seem to form very few intense, deep friendships which are not at all healthy… please read this in all its honesty, this is my story.

Looking back, there seems to have been many times in my adolescence when I would lie awake in bed on a school-night, praying that my one friend would be in tomorrow so I wouldn’t seem like a loner…which I was. I guess it was because of my intense shyness – bordering on social phobia. My status as a only child did not help either. So when I did find someone I clicked with, I clung on and used it to hide from others. Unknowingly, I enjoyed the closeness of an codependant relationship and without realising, I would become possessive. I can think of at least 4 people I had been emotionally dependant on over the years. However, it was my last unhealthy friendship that has taught me an unforgettable lesson…

We’d been best friends since we were 11 and did everything together, went through so much, relied on one another… Yet today, our relationship is perhaps a tenth of what it used to be, indeed, I resent her…

Everything had seemed great, we were utterly inseparable. Looking back, I can’t believe I did nothing to stop the completely destructive effect it had on all my other relationships. When she took a day off school, I was lost and would sit alone, embarrassed and resentful. She was able to control me – who revolved around her, and I had a similar influence over her. Deep down, I relished the attention and trust she had in me and I did nothing to prevent the unhealthy relationship from intensifying.

But the problems began last year, when she said that she wanted to drop out of school. As a friend, I should have supported her decision as she felt that dropping out would have been best for her, I now deeply regret how selfishly I acted when I gave her the advice to stay on. Although I did generally think completion of her studies the right way to go, I have to admit that it came ultimately from my deep fear of being left alone all day. I convinced her for my own sake… and God knows how I paid for that stupid decision later on.

She had been having problems at home, but even I was not completely sure what really was going on and she seemed hesitant to say much about it. Things dragged on throughout the year, she missed deadlines and missed school but instead of sitting down with her and getting to the root of things, I was just glad she was (sometimes) there and swept it under the carpet.

Summer came and went.

When school started again, things did not look better, then it came… a message hinting at suicide…

I cried myself to sleep that night, worried sick, she did not pick up her phone.

The next morning, to my immense relief, she was at school and when I nearly bit her head off she merely said that it was a passing mood. Although I was angry, I soon foolishly settled back into our old routine.

It was then that a long suicide note appeared in my inbox in the early hours of the morning. I did not receive it till the morning and I have to admit I did not think too much of it after the previous episode. But when I got into school, she wasn’t there…

Nor the next day…

Nor the day after that…

I tried desperately to call her, I had perhaps called her 50 times or so a day, even though I knew I would get her answer machine. Days later, I had no choice, a few other people at school knew about this and none of us had heard anything about the girl, so we went to tell our head of year.

I had never really cried in front of anyone but on that day I broke down, completely.

Finally, we got news that she was in hospital, her father – who was abusive, refused to communicate more than that to the school. A day later, I got a call from her, so many emotions were running through me at that point, was it relief? Resentment? Joy? I could hardly tell them apart myself. It really threw me when she sounded fine, laughing and talking about the appalling hospital food, I was lost and confused, I did not know what to think, I was overwhelmed, nothing I had experienced could prepare me for something like this and I just went along blindly…

Over the following weeks we met up, and although I trod on eggshells around her initially, it never ceased to amaze me how normal she acted, as if there had been no overdose, no betrayal – for she had hurt me in a way that nobody else had come close to. It was too easy to fall for her act, to accept the mask she put on. Looking back, I cannot emphasise how stupid I was, but unbelievably, I accepted her facade and slipped back into our comfortable friendship…again. Although I knew that things were no longer the same…

Part II of my story here


  1. Hi there. I found your blog on the tag surfer…………beautifully written post. I’ve been in similar situations before. I was a loner in school too, because social interaction was very hard and confusing for me. Certainly not for lack of trying though, but my efforts were usually met with one or two word responses. Eventually I figured out that people were not interested in talking to me for whatever reason, and I quit trying.

    Athena of athenivanidx

    one of three autistic persons sharing a body. aka multiple personalities.

  2. Thank you for reading, it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one, but I don’t want to quit trying, loneliness scares me too much. Hopefully, university will be a complete fresh start, away from all this mess…
    There is a lot more to my story that has happened since, but it was getting so long I had to split it into separate posts.

  3. We have since had many fruitful and enjoyable interactions with people……..we just got burnt out in high school. College is definitely a fresh start in that department. The first time we went to college, we had more friends in the first few weeks than at any other time in our lives that we could remember.

    Ivan of athenivanidx

    another one of three autistic personalities sharing a body.

  4. Hi.

    Thank you for writing your story. Co-dependancy and lonliness has been driving me crazy to and the emphisis I put on my friendships to aid my well being is draining for me and my friends at times.

    Codependancy came up for me again as I was trying to sort out my unhealthy needs and obsession’s round a fieind I have never met, a computer friend.

    I’m working it out and by the read of your post you are to.
    Smiles and Hello.
    Diane :)

  5. Thank you Ivan, your words about university are so encouraging, I am really looking forward to it, though not trying to expect too much at the same time.
    Hi Diane, what has happened has taught me so much, I never thought there was anything harmful about close friendships and am having to learn the hard way… Good luck with your situation too

  6. I have a personality especially prone to dependance. This is because when i was growing up, my mother depended a lot on me and i in turn, came to mold my life around hers. I finally left that period of dependance last year but my dependance still plays itself out in the relationships i get involved with. Have you heard of Schema therapy? It is very interesting, addressing problems we encounter as recurring patterns of emotion and behaviour known as ‘lifetraps’. There are ‘lifetraps’ for dependance and abandonment. Do look into it if you have a chance, i have found it very helpful for me. Looking forward to reading more of your story. Take care. Thankyou for commenting on my blog by the way. :)

  7. I’m prone to dependence too, and personality changes are impossible unfortunately…
    I will look into Schema therapy thank you, tc too, no problem about the comment

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